(Things to do while ordering a Surge…)

Friday, January 12
Lisa Lampanelli, 8:00 p.m., Byham Theater, Dahntahn
Rude, crude, and socially unacceptable. But enough about me, let’s talk about Lisa. Known in some circles as the “female Don Rickles”, Lisa’s act delivers the strength at most of the celebrity roasts you’ve seen in the past few years. Sample from the Shatner roast: “Betty White is so old, that on her first game show ever, the grand prize was fire.” That’s the cleanest pull I could get, the rest of her act is raunchy, filthy, dirty, and many other things Bill Cosby would disapprove of. But it’s also hilarious, and well worth checking out. She’s one of the best stand-ups working today, and she’s made the move to the big rooms like the Byham. Sooner or later, she’s going to get a sitcom, because that’s what always happens, so take a look now, and be able to say “I saw her act before she sold out and ended up on KDKA Mondays at 8:30.”

Saturday, January 13

Meet The Scientist – “Insects: A Growing Invasion”, 1:00 p.m., Carnegie Museum Of Natural History, Oakland
“When Gregor Samsa woke up one morning from unsettling dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous vermin. His girlfriend then crushed him with a kleenex and flushed him. The End. (Roll Credits)”

See how much shorter that could’ve been? Look, I know we all had to read it, and we’re all supposed to see it as allegory for.. allegory for… Umm, I dunno, whatever, who cares. But really, who liked it? I mean, was it a “can’t put it down” read? Did you really go into school and say excitedly to your friends ” I didn’t sleep at all last night because i totally stayed up to see what happened next to Gregor!” No, of course not. It was all a plot by the United English Teachers of America to keep us from reading something really good, or at least, something with some good underline-the-good-bits scenes. They might as well have put saltpeter in the Johnny Marzetti.

What in tarnation was I talking about? Oh, right. Yeah, so the Carnegie does the “Meet The Scientist” thing, and that’s good because it helps with their socialization skills. Because if we leave these eggheads to their own devices, you know what happens? We end up with the atomic bomb, autonomous robots that will eventually kill us all (when they’re not travelling back in time to kill/save Sarah Conner), and the scourge of Lite Beer.

So please join Dr. Chen W. Young, Curator, Section of Invertebrate Zoology, as he examines some common bugs and delves into how they impact our lives, why some are pests and others are beneficial, and how the hell something that small makes that big of a stain on the wall when we squish it. I mean, it’s like a miracle or something, how that little insect has that incredible volume of guts, really.

Global Beats, 8:00 p.m., AVA Lounge, ‘Sliberty

He probably won’t be there, but still…

Global Beats wants to change the world through dance. Fair enough. Janet Jackson tried the same thing with mixed results. But ok, here we go with the Brazilian Music and Brazilian People, (How many is a Brazilian?) and it’s always good. Personally, I love when the DJs take to old time Bossa Nova classics and rework them with updated beats, turning them into something new, almost like a mash up, except you can’t understand a friggin’ word ’cause it’s all in Portuguese.

AVA is adjacent to Shadow Lounge, so, y’know, if the Brazilian isn’t working for ya, then you can stroll over and see what’s doing at shadow, and then go back. And forth, like Aaliyah.

5 bucks to get in, but it’s a benefit, so consider this our “Drinking For A Cause” event of the weekend.

Social And Ballroom Dancing, 7:00 p.m., Chatham College
USA Dance has big balls, and it’s my belief that these should be held every night.

USA Dance is offering a free (with admission, so not really free as in beer) one hour lesson from 7-8, and then just dancing from 8-10:30. Channel your inner Favreau of Vaughn and go relive the craze that swept the nation 10 years ago.

Oh, ok, fine, maybe I was a bit harsh. I love the swing dancing still, and this gig will have that and more, including salsa, tango, fox trot, waltz, cha-cha, rumba, quickstep, and Viennese waltz. I don’t even know what some of those are. The Viennese waltz almost sounds like a euphemism for something incredibly dirty, as in “Dude, you know that girl from the party last night? I went back to her apartment and she totally gave me a Viennese waltz!” “Dude! Sick!” And then they high five. God, I miss college.

Sunday, January 14
Flick: The 39 Steps, 7:30 p.m., Regent Square Theater, Regent Square
This month’s theme is “Classic Hitchcock”, and Pittsburgh Filmmakers brings us the 1935 tale of mistaken identity, spies, and a “cool blonde”. They say the “banter in this mystery/romance set the style for sophisticated comedies for years” and I have no choice but to believe them because how the hell do I know? I mean, I haven’t seen it because I don’t know if it has any karate in it, and karate is the hallmark of a good movie. Except for that friggin’ Chuck Norris thing with Joe Piscopo and that kid from Sealab or whatever it was. That thing stunk on ice.

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Got an event planned? Would you like a whole flock of yinzers with disposable income to show up? Let Git Aht know by sending the electronic mail to gitaht@gmail.com.