It is that time of year…get out your Santa Suits and start carbo loading for some Santa mayhem.  This has been one of the more popular holiday events that we have covered here at IheartPGH (2007 and 2008).

Santarchy is basically a bar crawl where you must wear a Santa Suit.

Click here to RSVP on Facebook

Here are the details and the important looking rules:

SANTARCHY 2009 It’s tough to refuse a Fifth (annual).

Date: 12/12/2009

Time: 2 PM SHARP! (Santa is always on Time…Hint,Hint!)

Start at: Look for all the Santas outside the Cheesecake Factory!

South 27th Street

Pittsburgh PA 15203

+21 and up event!

Special Note: Santa Beachbabi (Michele) will have a beat up Sleigh available for the Brashear house for donations of any type of non perishable food item (nothing in glass please) and new toys. Helping local kids which is a big deal!

Pittsburgh’s Fifth Annual Santarchy will start at 2:00pm at the fountain in the South Side Works by Cheesecake Factory on Saturday, December 12th, 2009. Same time and place as last year (and nearly the same day)!

Image via Wikipedia

Remember that Santa is ON TIME until 2:00pm, at which point the herd will be sheparded toward its first watering hole and time loses all meaning. DO NOT BE LATE. If you can’t be there by 2:00pm, you better have a backup plan for your costume. A hundred red suits can disappear pretty quickly at the sound of alcohol pouring into glasses. Early Santas get a souvenir book of lewd carols. Late Santas get left behind.

YES, you MUST wear a costume. NO, you can NOT get by with a red shirt and Santa hat. BE CREATIVE, ya lazy bum! You don’t have to look like Santa, but you MUST NOT look like you. Jeans, in particular, will be removed and destroyed without warning.

There will be less of a schedule this year than in previous years, and what little schedule there is, is subject to revision or abandonment at any moment. We’re expecting a record number of Santas, elves, reindeer and other critters this year, and who knows what direction they might wander. Stick with the pack and you shouldn’t get lost or hurt too badly. If you see more than one pack, stick with the biggest one. Or not. It’s Santarchy, not follow-the-effing-leader. Santa is welcome pretty much anywhere he enters, except maybe Dee’s.

SANTA DOES NOT SPEAK TO THE PRESS! “HO-HO-HO” IS GOOD. “PUBLICITY HO” IS NOT! We do this for the random strangers who are out and about, NOT the people sitting at home on their heinies watching television! Nobody says “WTF!?” when they see Santarchy on TV, only when they see it in real life!

Bring money for public transit, alcohol and food. Bring your ID, because even Santa gets carded these days. Stay hydrated, or at least stay liquored up. Pay your own tab and tip the staff like Santa would. Bars will be packed, lines will be long, and stops will be short. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN INEBRIATION.

(Santa does not advocate breaking open container laws. Santa’s just sayin’…)

Don’t be THAT Santa. Your friends want to have fun, not scrape the puke outta your beard or prevent your wasted ass from wandering recklessly into traffic.

Bring innocent toys to hand out to kids and naughty toys to give to adults. IT IS YOUR CIVIC DUTY TO MAKE PEOPLE WONDER WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

There will be more antics this year than in previous years. Be ready to be rambunctious and spend a lot more time drawing attention to ourselves. Remember that Santarchy isn’t about the BARS, it’s about the CRAWLS. We have some intentions, but if you have an idea for a prank or stunt along the way, JUST DO IT. Get other people to join you, to share the fun and spread the blame. Interact with passers-by as well as other Santarchists… they will probably appreciate it. But always remember the four rules of Santarchy:

(1) Don’t f*ck with kids.
(2) Don’t f*ck with with cops.
(3) Don’t f*ck with security.
(4) DON’T F#CK WITH SANTA!*

And add to that, don’t get yourself into any trouble that you can’t get yourself out of. Santa has a way of disappearing when the red and blue lights start flashing or the fists start flying. Don’t expect a Santa Bouncer or Santa Lawyer to come running to your side, ya stupid prick!

*It might be alright to f*ck with Santa, as long as it’s not the real Santa. You are not worthy of his time, which is extremely precious in December. If you see him, bow down to his eminence and lick the reindeer shite off his boots.

Remember the answers to these frequently asked questions:

Q: Is this some sort of political statement?
A: No, it’s fun. Remember fun?

Q: What are you protesting?
A: Shitty holiday parties.

Q: Who’s in charge?
A: Santa!

Q: Which Santa?
A: The one with the beard.

Q: Which Santa with a beard?
A: That’s it, you’re on the naughty list.

Q: Where are you going?
A: Nobody knows but Santa.

Q: Can I join you?

A: Get into a costume and we’ll talk.

Q: But I don’t have a costume?
A: Buy us all a round of drinks and we’ll talk.

If you manage to stay with the pack the whole afternoon and evening, and not get yourself beat up or arrested, you should finish up somewhere near Satan Square. I mean, Station Square. Same difference, if you think about it. Anyway, getting your fat Santa ass back to the South Side Works for your vehicle is your own damn responsibility, since the reindeer will be too drunk to pull the sleigh. Your best bet is to have someone drop you off at the starting point and take a cab home. Cabbies absolutely LOVE having drunk Santas as passengers, no matter what you’ve heard to the contrary. Tip them well. DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE.

Related reading…

• Santacon 2009, Mass Santarchy Invasion Planned For Cities Around The World This December (laughingsquid.com)
• SantaCon Is Comin’ To Town: Tickets Now Available (laist.com)