Torn

I knew this day was coming but I didn’t know it would bother me so much.

I had a professional meeting today and it was uncharacteristically positive and productive.   I was discussing the future and vision of my subject and it was . . . how else to explain it?? Amazing.  Finally, someone else seems to see the big picture and acknowledge my ideas as valid and useful and in the best interests of students.  The idea that I could be a part of the solution and not the problem and discussing the possibilities with someone who my mother-in-law would affectionately refer to as a “BIG, Big-Wig!”  I prattled on and on about improvements over the past few years and looking toward the next few to help build this Camelot-esque community.  I could see myself being a resident of that very office someday (or frankly a better one with a better view and I would talk to little people like me about big plans for the future .  .  .

It didn’t  hit me until I signed on to a few sites to check on the status of my applications and security clearances.  I may not be here to see any of that happen.  The sorrow washed over me and and I had to physically catch my breath. I,  or rather my husband and I,  have committed ourselves to moving back home.  Of course this never came up in conversation because . . . well . . . I forgot for a few minutes.  I was blinded by the light or science or something.

We were never leaving to get away from this city – just to get back to our city – Pittsburgh.  He would be starting a new job in the same field but I would really be starting over professionally.  Will giving up the professional successes I’ve had be worth the personal comfort and joy I hoped to gain by going home?

So, I still heart PGH, but I’m torn . . .